My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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