So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
