he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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