yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
