Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
