turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
