Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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