My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
