Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
