I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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