I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
