im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
