I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
