did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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