Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize