Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
