I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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