Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
