The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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