i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
