Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Randomize
