I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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