Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize