Betty ford says i'm here all night
im about as happy as oj after his trial
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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