Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize