dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize