Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
