I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
