I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
