im drinking this country out of the recession.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
