my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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