Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
