Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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