i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
