I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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