I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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