ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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