i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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