When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize