How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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