I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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