at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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