My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize