So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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