I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize