he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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