We're like a lot better than the average bears
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
