Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
