i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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