She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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