Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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