I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
