Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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