I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
