guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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