i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
