My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
